


Indecisive heart

by Sashaya



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alive Thane, Difficult Decisions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, Multi, Romance, Set in Mass Effect 3, eventual polyamory relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2016-07-09
Packaged: 2018-05-08 23:05:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5516564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashaya/pseuds/Sashaya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They’re the air she’s breathing and the sunlight she’s missing. They envelop her in their warmth and she doesn’t know what to do this time. She loves them too much, she can’t choose.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you, **Nehelena** , for looking over this story!
> 
>  
> 
>  ** _Disclaimer:_** _I don't own any of the characters._

Liara’s eyes shine with hope, love that should be forgotten and done. 

Shepard watches her and misses her touch, her lips and soft gasps in the darkness. She misses the strength hidden behind the beauty and falls in love again and again. 

She’s getting intoxicated on their closeness and Shepard would be okay with that, with being high on love. It sounds dangerous and strange. Sounds perfect for her.

Liara looks at Shepard with hope and love and asks difficult questions. 

“I know that you and Garrus… got closer when I was gone” Liara says softly. It doesn’t sound like accusation but it should be. It should be sharp and cutting. Like betrayal. “But is there something between us?”

Shepard can feel the shadows of Liara’s touch, her lips on her skin. She’s filled with warmth and peace. 

She wants to say _yes_ , to scream it at the top of her lungs, to whisper it in Liara’s ear. 

Shepard remembers Garrus’ soft eyes, his flustered face and voice not yet hardened by war. 

She can’t say yes.

“I’m sorry, Lea” Shepard says in a firm voice and leaves.

She feels like clawing at her own vocal chords but she smiles at Traynor on her way to the cabin. 

 

She drinks herself to sleep, while Normandy cuts through the darkness.

 

*

 

Palaven is burning and Shepard should look away from the destruction but it’s beautiful in the worst way possible. Shepard stands and watches, throws away all the thoughts about Earth.

She won’t say this out-loud, not with Vega close-by, but she’s already mourning their homeworld. Earth is burning as beautifully and Shepard doesn’t think it will survive this. 

 

She almost doesn’t recognize him, almost misses his presence. 

Garrus stands tall and talks with air of superiority around him. He talks like a strategist, warrior that he is and Shepard is proud of him. 

She greets him with short words.

 

People call her naïve, call her childish for wanting to save everyone. But it’s not innocence that pushes her to her feet and throws her between Garrus and the charging Brute. 

She’s selfish. She doesn’t know how to live without him. 

Garrus looks at her like he knows what is going on in her head. Vega doesn’t say anything, just purses his lips and stands a bit closer to her. 

It’s not good but she can worry about this later. 

She has to survive Menae first.

 

*

 

It feels familiar, stepping in the gun battery and seeing Garrus work. It feels like she was never stripped of her rights, like she hadn’t questioned her own loyalty times and times again. 

She’s getting sentimental. 

Garrus seems more in control now, there’s a bit less of his awkwardness that made Shepard love him even more. 

Garrus looks at Shepard with hope and love and asks difficult questions.

“I wasn’t sure if you still feel the same” he says in a soft voice, voice that makes her weak. “We’re a strange pair maybe but I’ve been thinking about you”

Shepard wants to tell him _yes_.

She sees his love, remembers laugher in the darkness and hiding in his bigger frame from the world. 

She remembers the softness of Liara’s words and silent pleas of stay alive and she can’t do this. 

“I’m sorry, Garrus” Shepard says and leaves. 

 

She lies wide awake and thinks that dying might’ve hurt a bit less.


	2. Part II

Shepard feels alone, feels like the galaxy on her shoulder is crushing her. It’s a sick, dark feeling so similar to the lack of hope. 

She spends her time watching her crew, playing a Secret Angel to the people she trusts with her life. She brings them little joy, little happiness in the time of darkness. 

 

Traynor finds the (immensely expensive) toothbrush by her bed and her strange happiness makes Shepard lighter. It’s childish, Traynor’s fixation, but they’re at war, they can be children from time to time. 

 

Joker and EDI are easy, way too easy for something unusual like the two of them together. Shepard uses the terminal on Citadel to send them both the invitation to the nice, romantic dinner. 

She doesn’t need to see to know they’re happy. Joker’s whistling a strange song and EDI hums the same melody. They’re sweet and Shepard likes watching them interact on the bridge. 

 

She can’t give Javik anything. There’s nothing in this world that could make his life better, easier. She’ll bring him a Reaper’s corpse but it’s not now. He has to wait. For now, Shepard gives him peace. 

 

Vega is a bit obvious. She sees a lot of herself in him, the spark in his eyes is very familiar. Shepard brings him her favorite vodka, last things she managed to hide on this ship that came from Earth. She gives him booze and a reason to stay alive.

He needs to kick her ass in sparring one day. He won’t do that when he’s dead. 

Shepard sets him straight, when he’s flirting borders something she doesn’t know how to handle. She sets her lines clear, tells him there’s nothing serious between them and she’s thankful for him fighting with her. 

Vega grins a proud grin. Tells her _Lola, I knew you can’t handle me_ and pours more vodka into her glass.

He’s her new favorite on this ship.

 

Cortez is both easy and difficult. He just needs someone to talk to, to let him grief and miss his husband. Shepard can do that, she can be his shoulder to lean on. 

Sometimes, when it seems like he’s breaking, like there’s nothing else for him, she wishes she could hug him. But Shepard knows that he doesn’t want that and she’s not _that_ selfish. 

 

She doesn’t know how to approach the people dearest to her, the ones she loves too much. She doesn’t forget about them, that would be impossible, but she’s having harder time with them. Whatever comes to her mind, she quickly dismisses as _too intimate_ or _not personal enough_. 

 

As Liara’s gift, Shepard reunites her with her father. She’s not even surprised that Liara knew or that she hadn’t approach the asari before. Some things never change. So Shepard pushes Liara towards her family, bullies her into that, dismisses the whole _we’re at war, it’s not the best time for family reunions_ because the world can end and that’s the best time for everything.

Liara acts nonchalant, _not-moved-at-all_ but Shepard’s known her for a bit now and she sees that Liara’s finally moved with her grief after Benezia. Really moved, because Shepard’s been acting most of her live, she knows a liar when she sees one. 

 

Garrus doesn’t get anything. He doesn’t get anything because he corners her at the borders of neutral ground, right before her quarters’ door and makes her look deep inside his eyes. Garrus holds her face between his hands and calls her out on her _secret_ business. 

“If you want to make me happy” he says and she missed his voice in her ear, dangerous like a dirty secret between them. “Tell me you love me and you’ll stop this self-sacrificing, cowardly thing” Shepard doesn’t have the power to look away, she’s high on how close they are. “Or look at me, look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me. Be blunt, just don’t tell me some in-between lie”

“Why?”

“Because I love you” Garrus says and it sounds like something obvious, like he said that thousands times before. It’s the first time she hears it from his lips. “Because you’re hurting the both of us and I don’t know why”

“I love you” Shepard repeats and she’s dizzy with how much she really loves him. “But I’m greedy, I want too much”

“Talk to me” Garrus pleads. His voice is small and weak, like he’s losing a war and that’s the last thing Shepard wants.

Shepard is greedy and wants too much and she kisses him.

“I’ll talk to you” she says and leaves, escapes his arms, while he seems frozen with surprise. 

 

Her lips are tingling and there’s something warm spreading inside her. She feels alive.


	3. Part III

Shepard plans and watches, she loses sleep overthinking. She’s so deep in her thoughts, she doesn’t notice she’s not moving forward. 

Liara corners her in her own space, corners her when Glyph greets Shepard with a beep and an update. 

Liara doesn’t have the physical advantage Garrus had, she can’t bully Shepard to stay with her hand closing painfully around Shepard’s shoulder. She can’t intimidate Shepard with how her body covers Shepard in shadows. 

Still, Liara’s eyes are blue and piercing and warm. Shepard can’t escape them, doesn’t pretend she can. 

Liara bullies her with her eyes, leads her towards the bed and for a split second Shepard relives the memory from two years ago. Liara’s face softens like she knows what haunts Shepard right now. She probably knows. 

Shepard misses the sweet, awkward asari from _before_ but the supernova in front of her is too bright for Shepard to ignore. She worships her with her eyes closed and with her mouth wrapped around _hello_.

“Shepard” Liara calls out in a soft voice, pulls Shepard towards the now.

The smile Liara gives her is blinding. She wants to taste her happiness again. 

“Lia, I…” Shepard’s voice is stuck in her throat between _please_ and _I don’t deserve this much_. Liara hears it, smiles sadly and reaches for Shepard’s hand. 

Shepard grabs it without second thought, holds onto it like it’s the only anchor left in her life. She holds onto Liara like she’s afraid of ever letting go, like she can’t go through this _emptiness_ ever again. 

Shepard holds onto Liara like she’s the star Shepard spent her whole life trying to find. 

“Lia” Shepard repeats the sweet nickname, savors how her lips wrap around it in a familiarity Shepard missed. “I’m greedy”

“I know” Liara smiles. She looks older, wiser and her innocent is gone or maybe just tainted. Liara looks at Shepard with so many emotions, she can feel them on her skin, in her hair, in her mouth. She can feel them in her soul, melting the ice quicker than she could ever imagine. “I knew from the start”

“Then why did you let me…?” Shepard doesn’t finish the question because she doesn’t know how. _Why did you let me leave you? Why did you let me love you?_

 _Why_ is the question Shepard asks her whole life and she can’t stop now. But she’s never been afraid of an answer.

“Because you are you, Shepard” Liara answers like Shepard couldn’t ask more moronic question. “Because I love you and this is who you are. A greedy martyr”

“I see you talked to Garrus” Shepard smiles.

“I might have” Liara agrees, lights up with happiness and Shepard never believed in Higher Gods but right now, she looks at Liara and knows that if the Goddess exists, she’s standing before her.

Shepard couldn’t be more in love.

“Liara, I…” words are tangled in Shepard’s throat but Liara looks and wait, gives Shepard time to gather her thoughts but she’s not planning on talking for the both of them anymore. She waits for Shepard’s words and Shepard understands that. She’s been silent for too long, for too long she let others decide and now she knows this is what ended them before. 

“Liara, I love you” this is the easy part, the _obvious_ part because there might be a rift of experience between them but Shepard never stopped loving her, even in death. “And I love Garrus and I… I can’t choose” 

Liara kneels before Shepard, takes her hands and looks her deep in the eyes. 

There’s so much love between the two of them, they could give some to the world and never feel any different.

“Then don’t choose” Liara say. She sounds like it’s something she’s been thinking over and over again, like it’s something she slept and woke up with. She sounds sure. “I can’t promise you that I’ll be fine and free from the beginning. I can’t promise you that I won’t question what we have but it’s because I don’t understand – not because I don’t love you. I care for Garrus, he’s a dear friend of mine and I know there might be love for him in my heart. All I need is time”

“I’ll give it to you” Shepard promises. “To you both. I love you so much, it hurts to think about the future and I will give you anything you want. I won’t trap you in this… relationship. Whenever you want to end this, you are free to leave. If you can’t see yourself with Garrus then don’t be, then just be with me. I will give you whatever you ask for”

“Sometimes I think that your love is enough” Liara smiles.

Liara reaches up, presses their lips in a soft and sweet kiss. It’s more delicate that Garrus’ kiss but it holds as much power, as much promise. 

Shepard couldn’t be even more in love.


	4. Part IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: angst, small spoilers for Mass Effect 3 - Priority: Rannoch

Shepard makes plans, strategies and watches Garrus and Liara. She thinks and schemes, makes it look like she’s trying to win a war and not simply figure out a relationship. 

She thinks how to approach the subject in the best way possible because she’s not sure how it’s supposed to work either but she wants it, wants them both too much to chicken out. 

The thought about caring about someone so much should scare her, make her doubt things around her but it makes her warm and the thought of Garrus’ body makes her feel safe the same way Liara’s hands makes her think of destruction. 

She knows they are perfect for her, somehow the universe made them just for her – ideal and perfect and she wouldn’t trade any scar, any memory for the both of them.

She’s greedy like that.

So Shepard strategies, calls Thane to play a drell equivalent of chess – but with people and information and feelings. Thane laughs at her, sound both foreign and welcomed because she never heard it on Normandy and that means things with Kolyat are going well. Thane tells her she’s overthinking, over-doubting and it’s a bad sign if an assassin has to point it out.

Thane tells her to just feel it, tell them what she feels, what she wants and listen to what they have to say. There’s no better way to do that. 

Shepard gathers her courage (brings it out of the closet, dusts it off because she’s not really brave, just curious and stupid and suicidal and this won’t help her now) and decides to just… _talk_. 

 

The Universe hates her.

 

There are quarians and geth and Tali quietly asking for help because she can’t do it officially but she won’t see her people die, doesn’t want to lost more than she did already.

Shepard understands this even if she growls at the Admirals, at their stupidity, blindness and idiotic stubbornness that won’t bring anything good. She can’t say no to Tali even if she could throw the whole quarian fleet to the wolves. Geth.

She can never say no to Tali (not when she still remembers the young, mostly innocent quarian from the Citadel that radiated excitement when she learnt about Normandy).

 

Betrayal hurts more than Reapers’ lasers do. It hurts even more when Shepard is the first one to turn her back on geth, _on Legion_. She can’t blame Legion for striking, for fighting for his people because Shepard would do the same – even knowing about _The Biggest Important Things_ she would still do the same. 

There is a brief moment of panic, when Shepard thinks she might lose Tali too, when there isn’t any news from the fleet. For a moment too long, Tali looks at the edge and Shepard is afraid what will happen. If she’s fast enough. 

The fleet cheers and Tali takes a deep breath without her mask and for her the air must taste like victory.

It’s bitter for Shepard, the scrapes of metal next to her were once Legion, were once a _friend_ and Shepard feels pain. She looks down, presses her hand to her side and comes up with crimson, blood that would be too dark if she wore a different armor. 

Shepard collapses, hoping that it wasn’t Legion’s last memento for her. 

 

Shepard had a plan before hell was brought on Rannoch – or rather before Shepard was in the centre of this hell that started long before her. She planned on talking to Garrus and Liara, she wanted to know how they will work, _if_ they will work. 

Shepard forgot that the Universe doesn’t like her making plans. 

She spent a week unconscious. 

 

Shepard wakes up gently, no sudden gasps for air, no screams stuck in her throat. She can’t help but sob, curls into herself despite the pain in her side and cries. She closes her eyes and her betraying mind plays Legion’s last moments time and time again in a endless loop of torture. 

“It’s okay” someone’s voice whispers in the air and Shepard knows, feels more than remembers it’s Liara. Liara with her warmth and brightness. 

Shepard turns away, scoots away from Liara’s gentle touch. 

She _feels_ Liara flinch, maybe it’s like a slap in the face but Shepard is hurt, _betrayed and betraying_ , she’s raw and she can’t accept this now.

Liara wasn’t there with her, she wasn’t here when Legion helped them before. 

Liara can’t understand this. Not now. Not in Shepard’s mind. 

 

Shepard puts Legion’s name on memorial wall under Kaidan’s, she breathes a little easier because she doesn’t have to put Tali’s name there as well. 

She spends an hour saluting the dead, remembering the one who trusted her and they paid for this. 

She wonders why she got another chance, where everyone around her doesn’t have this opportunity. She feels like curling into herself so she stands straighter, looks before and ignores the stitches she just pulled. 

 

Shepard had a plan, wonderful tactic what to do, how to get what she wants. 

 

She can’t bring herself to reach for them anymore.


	5. Part V

Shepard feels cold, incomplete and she _needs_ to finish this puzzle she made of her life. It should be so easy to be complete. She knows where her pieces are. 

Liara is unavailable.

Garrus is angry.

She’s numbly okay with all of this. 

 

Tali comes to her, brings a bottle of _something_ that is strong enough to knock them both out. 

Tali babbles about how much Rannoch means to quarians, to her, how much Shepard did for them. Tali sings and shares stories her parents told her, what the planet was before. She’s another level of happy, even when her words slur and she’s lost in sentences she doesn’t remember how to finish. 

Shepard drinks and drinks because all she can see is Legion’s remains on Rannoch’s ground. All she can think of is dust and sand covering Legion’s remains because she couldn’t even bid them a proper goodbye. All she can think of is the piece of her armor, etched in Legion’s cadaver that became their doom. 

It’s painful.

But Tali is alive, she’s happy and if Shepard ever felt like a mother, it’s in this moment, when Tali happily, drunkenly shares her plans for the future, shares her plan for the perfect house.

It’s painful.

Shepard (maybe) can live with this.

 

Shepard stands on the threshold of Garrus’ domain and she might be a little scared, fearful. 

She already saw Liara, brought her hands to her lips and begged forgiveness until her lips were numb. She already talked and spilled her secrets – not all, some she will never share, but enough – and she already shared her pain. 

Liara, perfect and holy, god-like Liara listened, let Shepard talk and pressed her lips to her forehead. It feels like she’s been forgiven and Shepard’s lungs were heavy with air she was holding. 

“I love you because and despite all you do, Shepard” Liara says in a soft voice.

“I’ve loved you for the longest time and I don’t think I’ll ever stop. But this is your last chance, so stop pushing me away. Stop pushing _us_ away”

Shepard stands on the threshold of Garrus’ domain and she might be a little scared, little hopeful. 

“I’m busy” Garrus says. He’s cold with anger, nothing like her. He is ice-cold in fury, while Shepard is burning-hot with her rage. She could burn the world with her craze. 

He is perfect for her. 

“I can see it” Shepard steps in despite it all and Garrus sighs. It’s heavy, tired. She heard it before.

Shepard’s shoulders are heavy with guilt again. 

“It’s getting old, you know that?” Garrus says in a tired voice that lost all its edge, all its fury. She steps closer, hoping that she can’t, that she’s not denied. He doesn’t turn and she waits. She can do it. “Pushing us away, I mean. I just… don’t you trust us?” 

Garrus’ eyes are on her now and she finds a pit of emotions in them. His eyes are old and weary, it’s a dance he’s seen before – she’s repeating her every move and he hopes she’ll get smarter one day. She wonders about that.

“I do”

“Then why? Why you keep doing this? I never noticed that before but are you some kind of… sadist?” Garrus lashes out and Shepard flinches with his every word. Garrus’ anger is not unexpected, he’s one of the few, who can go toe-to-toe with her and win. She flinches because she naively thought, they could move pass this without consequences. 

She doesn’t stop him, she deserves this. 

“We keep watching you _die_ and when you miraculously get back to life, you can’t get away from us fast enough! Do we mean so little to you? Am I this unworthy?!”

Garrus stops, breathes deeply and sits on the floor. 

She’s never seen him so beaten, so hopeless. It’s all her fault.

It always comes back to her, doesn’t it?

“You were almost dead. Again. I know humans don’t live long but you… you’re trying to beat some kind of score, I swear” he closes his eyes and doesn’t move away, when Shepard sits by him. 

“I shouldn’t have stayed on the ship” he murmurs. “I trusted Legion”

“Me too” Shepard says softly. She doesn’t trust her voice. She used it too much. “And in the end, I betrayed him first”

Garrus laughs. It’s cold, hysteric maybe. It’s not the sound Shepard wants to hear again. 

She has a list of things she doesn’t want Garrus to experience again and it’s getting longer and longer and it’s all her fault.

“So that’s what this is all about. You’re blaming yourself. The whole ‘I’m not worthy of your love’ thing again, huh? I should have known”

“I’m sorry, Garrus. I’m sorry”

Garrus sighs, puts his arm around her and tucks her close.

There’s space between them that trembles with unknown future, that screams _do I still have your trust?_ and Shepard is afraid to ask any more questions. 

“I know”


	6. Part VI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last part! Finally! It's been finished for ages but because I'm an idiot I'm posting it just now. Everyone is welcomed to lynch me.   
> I need an assistant or something...
> 
>  ** _Disclaimer:_** _I don't own any of the characters._

There are no happy endings in war time. 

Though, there are _happy nows_ , precious little moments of joy that are worth every second of doubt and hesitation, sweet little seconds placed _right here_ and _right now_. 

Shepard is a fan of those.

She has taken a liking to them, to bask and bathe them like a child in the sun. 

Shepard **loves** those _happy nows_. 

She loves how Garrus’ hands curl around her waist and she loves how Liara’s lips fit behind her ear. This little moments with them are worth every second of Shepard’s life (lives). 

They don’t promise each other a happy ending – mostly because when they try to, Shepard pulls away, scared and disbelieving that any of them could keep this promise. 

Liara kisses her cheek, presses a sweet promise of forever love – asari looks at her and see a child but Liara knows herself and she loves, she _**loves**_ too much, too deep. 

Garrus is suspicious, looks Shepard in the eyes and searches for her plans of dying (again). He seeks because he’s scared and she put fear and doubt in his mind, his heart (she didn’t mean to – it just happened, she regrets it). 

Shepard cages him with her eyes and lips and hands, puts promises on his hands and waits for him to believe her. She stands before him and smiles sadly, she says _I don’t know about tomorrow’s plan but I promise to always try going back to you, I promise_.

She doesn’t ask him to believe her, she could never make him do something he didn’t want. She doesn’t ask Liara to help her because that would be unfair, that would be cruel to put her between them like a shield, like a chasm. 

Shepard loves them both so much.

 

It’s slow but steady, days are filled with obvious nexus between Liara and Garrus and Shepard watches it with love filling her eyes. It’s beautiful what they have, soft and uncertain, different what they have with Shepard.

They both are careful, sometimes hesitant like they’re not sure they’re allowed _this_. Like they’re doubting that Liara’s hands fits in Garrus’ as well as Shepard’s hand does. 

It’s beautiful.

Liara and Garrus fall in love slower and more subtle than they fell for Shepard and Shepard’s ecstatic.

Universe will never be empty for any of them.

 

Chaos follows them, surrounds them and they work with it, work despite it. Shepard feels the best in the whirlwind of action, when there’s only a split second for a decision and winning is sometimes a matter of luck and nothing else. 

Garrus watches his home burn, lets himself be held by Liara who lost as much and she understands his pain that he’s just not ready to let out. He lets himself be brought to life by Shepard who only knows how to survive despite all odds and he draws strength from them both.

Liara dives in the pool of data, too dark and illegal to share with them but Shepard tugs on her arm and embraces her with care and love. Garrus watches over her shoulder, presses uncertain kisses to her neck and becomes her rock and guardian. 

 

There are no happy endings in the war time, only _happy nows_. 

There are no happy endings but there are seconds of calm and silence, when they lay entangled like they’re one being, one hybrid made of pain and love. 

Shepard doesn’t expect a happy ending, she settles for the **happy now** and loves every second.

 

 

**THE END**


End file.
